Part 1. Maxims, Axioms, and Paradigms: The Tragedy – As One Door Closes (Departure)
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| My spinal x-ray with new titanium hardware. |
Introduction:
How do I just do nothing at all when I have a pile of books screaming at me to dive in and enjoy their contents, endless streams of inspired verse spilling from my mind in dreams and daydreams, and every little pause I afford myself to come up for a quick breath of air before my lungs explode or I drown? I find myself recalling the thrown‑away, discarded, and otherwise unaccounted‑for volumes of handwritten thoughts with details that make them even more valuable to me. Then there is the nagging sense of angst that comes with the heap of paperwork I need to complete just to ensure I can live by some means if my attempt to become an artisan author becomes a bust. Procrastination is my arch‑enemy, always lurking and looking for an opportunity to take me out for good, and yet I know I have to do something. This is my "Farewell" post before I head to the spinal program in New Jersey. Many expectations based on what information I got from various sources. I haven’t posted a blog entry in what seems like forever, so onward.
Opening Reflection:
I’m going to take a stab at making this a three‑part blog mini‑series. This whole adventure, starting from the departure from “home” prior to the pandemic, has been nothing short of surreal to me. I feel as if I live in a different dimension than the one I had been residing in, as if I fell asleep one of those early nights in this fiasco and drifted into a coma from an undiagnosed illness—or, God forbid, slipped into a drug‑induced coma or, even worse, passed away from an overdose—and this is the outcome of either of those scenarios. There have been odd things and occurrences that really caused me to do a double take more than once over these past five or six years. It is extremely frustrating to see and perceive things happening around you without the ability to change any of it, especially when you know that what is being done is not right. I was never one to stand by and watch when something didn’t sit right with my heart and soul.
“As one door closes, another one opens.” Or so the old adage goes. This one was better described as a door slamming shut with deceit and misrepresentation as I was pushed out into the unknown. Then, as I entered the new door of opportunity with hope and eagerness, I quickly learned that my plan to continue my journey was deflated. The bill of sale I was given by the staff at the facility I came from was not a realistic description of what I would encounter. I was here to be assessed and evaluated, then returned to my point of origin—no long‑term spinal rehabilitation.
It’s alright. It’s clear the hospital I just left wanted to pass the buck and wash their hands of me because I asked questions that became thorns in their sides. I went through hell because I didn’t speak up loudly enough after my first surgery, and I paid the price for it. I am not going through that hell again. This is not standard operating procedure or status quo, and I won’t be dismissed and just go away.
If this was done intentionally to rid them of a thorn in their side, it’s not for me to seek retribution or justice. I have more important things to spend my limited time, energy, and abilities on right now. I want to get well— as well as I possibly can under the circumstances. I am grateful for the things I have learned here, but I’ve also digressed a bit because of coming here. This has been a double‑edged sword, and an objective cost‑benefit analysis shows that the benefits don’t really outweigh the costs—at least not yet. Maybe I have to wait for the long term to see. As they say, time will tell. I really hope so.
Quote of the Week:
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
– Charles Dickens, English writer and social critic (1812–1870)
Poetry Spotlight:
Despite My Trials
by John Rushton
I have traversed more obstacles, speedbumps, and roadblocks than I care to recall,
far outnumbering the smooth paths I’d prefer after dusting off from each fall.
I don’t wallow in self-pity or indulge in the self-loathing game;
life has become far too short to try to freeze its advancing reel in a single frame.
I waste no time on “what ifs,” wondering if I would handle things just the same.
It’s the fact that I can’t control outside circumstances that is utterly frightening.
Then things, one by one, began to align.
I learned it is senseless to change someone by my design;
the odds say I would sooner be struck by lightning.
I face life head-on with a choice to be understanding and kind.
My truth is my own, not for you to deny;
for much of my life’s experience you’ve chosen to be blind.
It’s not for you to decide if it’s deceit or a lie.
Your vision has been skewed
and your spectacles smeared,
as you have lagged too far behind
to make an objective case
for any real and substantial labels to embrace.
As I reflect and look back at reasons why—
seriously now, all jokes aside—
I would turn all the shame inward and hide.
Those things really made their indelible mark.
I thought I had become tough as flint: strike me, and you would see a spark.
Things happen just as they will,
without the chance to rework them—
never to see if life could unfold the way we think it should,
along with a new set of problems, partners-in-crime,
that any “do-over” brings.
I ponder this time after time.
For I’m no exception to the rule.
To believe otherwise would be ludicrous,
the folly of a fool.
I must keep myself grounded in reality,
not trying to balance one foot on each side of duality.
Each trial I’ve faced and every weathered storm—
a battle lost, a lesson learned, from which a victory’s born.
It is in each day when I can safely rest my head
and stretch myself along the length of a comfortable bed
that I’m reminded of each marker and guidepost along the way,
naming the significant feats along all the hard-won miles,
reminding me today, tomorrow, and always that I am so lucky to be here—
despite my trials.
So, Now What?:
Note to Self: The bottom line is DO SOMETHING! I get overwhelmed. It's that simple. I see the ever-growing mountain of tasks growing larger by the second. I start a task that I believe is higher on the priority list than the medical team seems to think. Their professional insight trumps all in the grand scheme of things. I have tried to explain and it's much like Charlie Brown's parents or his teacher in the Snoopy cartoons by Charles Schultz, "Wom, wom, wom, womp, wom!" I am speaking a foreign language, I get a look that radiates "Huh?", and from their vantage, I seem disinterested in my recovery from this spinal injury. That's far from the case. Regardless, I am grateful. I am blessed. I keep pushing forward one unsure or unsteady step at a time. No matter what it looks like. With assistance, because I don't want to try to withstand another fall, let alone attempt another recovery. I am grateful. I have to keep reminding myself. I keep repeating it like a broken record.
I am grateful and I can't forget it. I have many things to be thankful for. So, I can't lose sight of that as I circumstances don't live up to my contrived expectations. I made more progress than I imagined during my stay at this medical center. I hope for my attitude to stay this way. I continue to ask myself:
How can this help me to become the best possible person I can become? How can I inspire others? Here is a video I put together as I achieve a new goal walking. Follow the link...
Question of the Week:
When one door closes in your life, how do you respond: do you stay staring at the door that slammed shut, or do you eventually find the courage to look around for whatever might be quietly opening nearby?
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